I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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