He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
