Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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