You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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