If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize