I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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