Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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