i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm sobbing to NWA
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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