The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
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