im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
