Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
