she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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