hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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