When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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