Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
