I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
