I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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