she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
My liver just had a heart attack.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
