when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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