I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
