I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
