What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
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