R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
