i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
