My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Can I color on your dick again?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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