i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
