Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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