I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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