i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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