The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
