i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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