I just saw a hot homeless man
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize