I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize