the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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