walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
