actually, I'm a sock model
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
