I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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