two words...techno handjob
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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