So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
