Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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