I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
