We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
