I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
