I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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