My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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