Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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