My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
