Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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