glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
