Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
