You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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