note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
