its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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