I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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