It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm too high and old for this...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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