You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
