It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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