i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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