You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize