and you said cock pushups were impossible
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize