so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
