you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Randomize
