dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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