you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Two words: blizzard sex
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
