My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
