I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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