When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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