dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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